I swear, I really don’t know how to go without at least talking to a guy. It’s like I’m so desperate to find love. And I mean I’m not looking for it in just anyone. I’m trying to be smart about it, but I catch myself sometimes wondering why I feel the need to have that kind of attention. Especially after everything I just went through. I don’t know why I do this and I don’t know how to stop. I mean yah it helps distract my mind, but I crave a real relationship with no lies or anything bad. I dream of having a great relationship. I know someday I’ll have it and I know I need to give it time. I just can’t help myself though.
I’m glad that even after the break up that I’m not bitter towards guys or the idea of love. And even after what I went through today with my Nana passing on, I am still in the best spirits.
Life throws some crazy things at you sometimes and you have to choose how you want to react to it. You can be a Negative Nancy about it and be completely upset or you can look at the positives and say “hey, I’m trying.” That’s all that matters.
Losing my Nana is definitely not easy and I miss her so much already. I’m glad she’s not suffering in oain anymore though. She always told me she wanted to pass away in her sleep and that’s exactly how she went, peacefully. She may have been doped up on morphine, but at least it was painless. She was such an incredible woman and I’m glad I was able to spend 20 years with her. She will always have a special place in my heart and I know she’s watching me from above to make sure I’m okay. She is my guardian angel and I love her so much. I purposely didn’t ever say goodbye to her. I wouldn’t because I believe that I’ll see her again, whether it be when my time comes to join her in heaven or in my dreams. I know she’s always with me. I never thought I would be able to stay so strong through this though. She has been my favorite person in life. I never shared the kind of bond I had with her with anyone else. Nothing will ever compare. Granted, I’m bummed she’ll never get to dance at my wedding like she wanted to or meet my kids, but I know she’s helping God direct me down the right path. I can feel it. I love you Nana, forever and always. Not a moment goes by that I don’t think of you. It’s not goodbye, but I’ll see you later 💜
Lol and this is why I shouldn’t be single…
It’s sad to think there’s someone who loves me unconditionally and would do anything for me, but knows he could never have me. And I love someone who wouldn’t really do much for me once we moved home and he said he loved me, but never really showed it and that’s who I want back.
What kind of a sick, twisted world do we live in? Why do I love someone who doesn’t even want me? Or so that’s how it is right now..
I constantly think “what if he changes his mind? What if he gets his act together and tries to come back to me? Will I still be there or will I be with someone else?”
I love him more than anything, but I know I deserve better. I just can’t get the heart to let go. And honestly, I don’t want it to.
Such as life right?